I'm falling all over myself, trying to be someone else. I can't do this anymore. This is too much. Why can't my heart stop hurting? Why can't I stop loving? Why does it always have to turn out this way? Always...
It was the first day of school, I was sitting on the bus, listening to music like I always do. You sat on the opposite side and smiled at me while I just stared back in confusion. For some reason, it felt like I knew you from somewhere, yet we've never talked, so I just waited for you to speak up.
"Hey, my name is Stephen, what's yours?"
"Mary. Nice to meet you, are you new?"
"Yeah, we're in the same math class," you grinned and I smiled back, realising that I was mistaken about knowing you from somewhere. You had a beautiful smile, so happy and wide, it felt like you lit up the entire bus. "So, how long have you been here?"
"Since 6th grade, so for quite a while."
"Oh really? I thought you were new as well," you seemed genuinely surprised.
"Why?"
"You just look so quiet and shy, and I haven't seen you talk to anyone, sorry," you laughed and I just stared, finding you very strange. Why did you even speak to me? How did you notice? Didn't it ever occur to you that I just didn't want to talk to anyone? Nobody else ever spoke to me so randomly. It was nice. That's how we met.
We kept talking from time to time on that bus, slowly becoming friends. One time, you asked for my phone number, surprising me once again. I was pretty amused at the attention, I never got that before. You started asking about whether I like anyone, so I told you all about how I liked this guy who didn't feel the same way and how I was all depressed over it. You listened and made me laugh. Talking to you felt so easy, I started looking forward to bus rides because I knew you'd be there. I didn't like you though, not in that way. I just kept telling you about my guy problems, and never noticed that for some reason you didn't seem so happy whenever I talked about how much I liked that other guy.
One day, you asked me about all the people I used to like. I mentioned them all, and you pointed out that all of them were white. I laughed, thinking about it.
"Yeah, I only like white guys, I guess."
"Really? So you'd never like an asian guy?"
"No, I don't find them attractive," you grew gloomy, "No offence, of course, it's just that they are not my type."
"I see"
Later, you started bringing up those girls that you said you liked. I cheered you on, never noticing that you weren't happy. I never saw that something changed. I never considered you as somebody to have a romantic relationship with. I was in love with your friend, and you were asian, and as I said, I didn't fall for asians.
Months later, we got assigned to sit at the same table at math together with another friend of mine. It was fun, and we talked a lot, I kept giving you advice about this girl you liked, and slowly I started noticing that I was paying a lot of attention to you. Your smile was so contagious, your jokes were so funny, I loved looking at you, you were just so cute and perfect. I tried to sit a little closer to you, started asking you for help, and this one day my other friend was absent and it was just the two of us, I had the time of my life joking around with you. As the class was over and you left, I realised that I hopelessly fell for you. I was in love with the guy who I told I would never like an asian.
Every day since then, I was looking forward to math and bus rides with you so much, they turned into the best part of the day. I actually started initiating conversation, even though before I never cared much. Every time you brought up your crush it just hurt so much, I tried to change the topic. When my friend was absent and it was just the two of us, I was jumping from joy. You noticed, asking me how come I wasn't sleepy during math anymore. I shrugged, thinking "because of you".
During one math class, you asked me whether I still liked this one person, I said "No, I like someone else." You laughed "Wow, you sure change your crushes fast," and started begging me to tell you who. I couldn't, so the entire math class I was trying to hold back the urge to confess to you while you kept bugging me, not even suspecting a thing.
In later math classes, you kept teasing me about the friend of yours I used to like. It hurt so much to hear you tease me, even though you obviously couldn't have guessed that, innocently acting the way you always did. I couldn't take that, and hearing you speak of your crush anymore, so I decided to confess.
You were on the tennis team, and it was the time when the competitions took place. On a Wednesday, I watched you, trying to pick a moment. You were so busy though, I couldn't. Later that day I was so upset about not telling you, I decided to do the cowardly thing and confess on Facebook. I hated myself for it, but I sent you a message explaining everything.
You replied "I thought you didn't like asian guys. Haha, I'm flattered," and my heart dropped. Obviously, what was I hoping for. I knew you liked someone else. Why did I even tell you. For the rest of the week I was hopelessly waiting for a miracle. For you to say hi, or to talk to me, or to change your mind and tell you me you like me back. I kept waiting, for a long long time.
We stayed friends. You pretended that nothing happened. You never really said no, or yes, or anything, but even though that gave me hope, I knew you were too nice to openly reject me, so that was all I'd ever get. You kept teasing me about the guys I used to like and it hurt. It hurt so much.
I tried to get over it, but I couldn't. I drank, and tried to shut it out, I tried to forget. It never worked. I saw you, and I melted. I started seeing you less though. Nothing personal, we changed seats in math class and you didn't take the bus so much.
This one day, you actually rode the bus, and I sat right in front of you, just staring as you listened to music. I hated the fact that I liked you more and more as time passed, and couldn't take my eyes off you, so perfect all the time. We didn't talk at first, so I thought the entire bus ride would pass like that. And then you started talking. We talked about random thing related to school, and then you asked me about this incident I had with a couple of my friends. You asked me if I still drank. I said no, staying quiet about the fact that he was the reason why. You asked me if I was still leaving at the end of the year. I said no, I was staying till graduation. You lit up, and I grew happy too, seeing your smile again.
We stayed quiet for another couple of minutes, until, eventually, I couldn't stay quiet and asked you how you were doing with your crush. You paused, and suddenly said:
"Mary, you said you like me, right? Well, I was really surprised when you told me. You know, I used to like you, in the beginning of the year. For a while, and then you said you didn't like asian guys. Also, I didn't know that many people... and yeah, eventually I got over you. Right now, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship, so I don't know. Yeah..."
"Thank you for telling me." I said and turned away, not knowing what to think. This was very, very unexpected. Soon the bus came to my stop, so I left. You said goodbye, despite the pause, and I lit up. At home I told every single one of my friends about it, and all of them said one thing: you still like me, but you are scared to say it. I believed it, I wanted to believe it. I remembered your smiles, and the entire weekend I was anticipating next week. It was my birthday in a couple of days, and I knew you'd do something special. I was so happy. On Monday, you were staring at me, and talking about me to your friends, and I was blushing so hard, wanting to just run up to you and hug you. I knew everything would be okay.
On my birthday, we had a two-day school trip, and you were on my bus. Somehow, my friend and I sat right across from you, and I was waiting, waiting, knowing that something would happen. I was laughing so much, anticipating a new phase in my life. I knew my friends were right. You liked me before, you said that yourself, so that means you still like me. You thought about it, and you decided that you want to be with me, and you will tell me today....
My friends told me that they asked you to do something special, so when nothing happened during the schoolwork part of the trip, I thought that you were waiting for free time, to approach me alone. I couldn't wait, especially as you said hi and kept glancing at me. I knew that this would be the most amazing birthday ever.
Free time came, and yet nothing happened. I've seen you multiple times, but I wasn't giving up. That just means you'll do something after dinner. You'll take me to the side, and wish me happy birthday, and tell me that you like me, and ask me to be your girlfriend. Everything would be the way it should be. You must have a gift for me, since my friend asked you. I knew that would happen. I couldn't wait, and even as time passed, my hopes stayed up.
But dinner was over, and nothing happened. My friends arranged a surprise party for me, yet I couldn't feel happy. I glued a fake smile to my face and kept saying thanks and hugging people, yet inside me everything was dead. Eventually, I almost broke down crying. My friends knew why, and went up to him, asking him to say happy birthday to me. I didn't want to go, but another friend dragged me there. I saw him stand up and talk to my friends, and then he walked my way, and I knew that my birthday present was coming. I walked towards him, feeling that something was wrong. Suddenly, he turned around and just sat back on his seat. Everything died.
The rest of the trip was tears and me wishing that I never had a birthday, cursing the fact that I didn't like him in the beginning of the year. Everything was done. The worst birthday of my life. The week I had such high expectations for...
The next day I apologised for my friends, hoping that you'd apologise too and everything would be the way it was, yet you didn't even stop and just said "okay", walking away. When I came back home, I apologised again. You brushed me off with "okay" again. For the rest of the week we didn't talk.
We haven't talked since. Not a single normal conversation. I tried to chat with you on Facebook, yet you kept going offline, or ignoring my messages, and just avoiding me as much as you could. I didn't give up hope. I kept repeating that you need time, and that my friends were too pushy, and that this was all my fault, and it will still work out. When everybody else said you were a jerk, I kept defending you. You were the nicest guy I've ever met, you were my friend. You couldn't have done something like this without a reason. There must be an explanation.
It's been two months. I decided to apologise to you for making things awkward and for liking you, and you saw the message and never even took time to reply, on Facebook, or in real life. For the last two weeks I've been trying to get over you, and a horrible realisation took place: it won't work out. You turned into a jerk, at least to me. You promised that you won't do the same to me as one of the guys I told you about, yet what you did was so much worse. I know it's because I meant nothing to you, and I never will. Your words "when I didn't know that many people" just meant that I am not popular enough for you. You are ashamed of ever liking me, you are ashamed of talking to me and being my friend. You don't want to see me or talk to me ever again. I can't hate you. I still like you, and I hate the fact that I'm still so in love with you. I've been trying to ignore you yet I can't help but glance, hoping to maybe see you glancing back. But no, you never pay any attention. I'm nothing. I'm not good enough for you. Even if you did like me for a brief moment since my confession, you'd never be able to date me in the open. You're a cowardly jerk, yet I still melt whenever I think of your smile. I've always managed to get over people easily, yet you just don't get off my mind. Why? Why do I always get rejected? All I wanted was love, or at least to stay friends. Silly me, I'm never good enough. No guy would ever like me. I'm a horrible mess.
I wish I could die. I keep choking on my tears everyday when I think about you, and I keep pretending that I'm fine, when I'm really not. I died inside the day I turned 15 and saw you walk away. I don't know how long it will take until I can feel again. But sometimes, I hope that I never will. Love never brings any good to me anyways. I just hope that nobody else will feel this pain as much as I did. I hope to never fall in love again. Ever.
P.S. This was really hard to write, every word was a struggle. This isn't really fiction. This is my situation at the moment, and I'm sorry if this is a very bad story, I have no idea how I even managed to write it out. I'll stop now because I'm crying too much and can't think straight. Thank you for reading. All names were changed.
- Firescales
It was the first day of school, I was sitting on the bus, listening to music like I always do. You sat on the opposite side and smiled at me while I just stared back in confusion. For some reason, it felt like I knew you from somewhere, yet we've never talked, so I just waited for you to speak up.
"Hey, my name is Stephen, what's yours?"
"Mary. Nice to meet you, are you new?"
"Yeah, we're in the same math class," you grinned and I smiled back, realising that I was mistaken about knowing you from somewhere. You had a beautiful smile, so happy and wide, it felt like you lit up the entire bus. "So, how long have you been here?"
"Since 6th grade, so for quite a while."
"Oh really? I thought you were new as well," you seemed genuinely surprised.
"Why?"
"You just look so quiet and shy, and I haven't seen you talk to anyone, sorry," you laughed and I just stared, finding you very strange. Why did you even speak to me? How did you notice? Didn't it ever occur to you that I just didn't want to talk to anyone? Nobody else ever spoke to me so randomly. It was nice. That's how we met.
We kept talking from time to time on that bus, slowly becoming friends. One time, you asked for my phone number, surprising me once again. I was pretty amused at the attention, I never got that before. You started asking about whether I like anyone, so I told you all about how I liked this guy who didn't feel the same way and how I was all depressed over it. You listened and made me laugh. Talking to you felt so easy, I started looking forward to bus rides because I knew you'd be there. I didn't like you though, not in that way. I just kept telling you about my guy problems, and never noticed that for some reason you didn't seem so happy whenever I talked about how much I liked that other guy.
One day, you asked me about all the people I used to like. I mentioned them all, and you pointed out that all of them were white. I laughed, thinking about it.
"Yeah, I only like white guys, I guess."
"Really? So you'd never like an asian guy?"
"No, I don't find them attractive," you grew gloomy, "No offence, of course, it's just that they are not my type."
"I see"
Later, you started bringing up those girls that you said you liked. I cheered you on, never noticing that you weren't happy. I never saw that something changed. I never considered you as somebody to have a romantic relationship with. I was in love with your friend, and you were asian, and as I said, I didn't fall for asians.
Months later, we got assigned to sit at the same table at math together with another friend of mine. It was fun, and we talked a lot, I kept giving you advice about this girl you liked, and slowly I started noticing that I was paying a lot of attention to you. Your smile was so contagious, your jokes were so funny, I loved looking at you, you were just so cute and perfect. I tried to sit a little closer to you, started asking you for help, and this one day my other friend was absent and it was just the two of us, I had the time of my life joking around with you. As the class was over and you left, I realised that I hopelessly fell for you. I was in love with the guy who I told I would never like an asian.
Every day since then, I was looking forward to math and bus rides with you so much, they turned into the best part of the day. I actually started initiating conversation, even though before I never cared much. Every time you brought up your crush it just hurt so much, I tried to change the topic. When my friend was absent and it was just the two of us, I was jumping from joy. You noticed, asking me how come I wasn't sleepy during math anymore. I shrugged, thinking "because of you".
During one math class, you asked me whether I still liked this one person, I said "No, I like someone else." You laughed "Wow, you sure change your crushes fast," and started begging me to tell you who. I couldn't, so the entire math class I was trying to hold back the urge to confess to you while you kept bugging me, not even suspecting a thing.
In later math classes, you kept teasing me about the friend of yours I used to like. It hurt so much to hear you tease me, even though you obviously couldn't have guessed that, innocently acting the way you always did. I couldn't take that, and hearing you speak of your crush anymore, so I decided to confess.
You were on the tennis team, and it was the time when the competitions took place. On a Wednesday, I watched you, trying to pick a moment. You were so busy though, I couldn't. Later that day I was so upset about not telling you, I decided to do the cowardly thing and confess on Facebook. I hated myself for it, but I sent you a message explaining everything.
You replied "I thought you didn't like asian guys. Haha, I'm flattered," and my heart dropped. Obviously, what was I hoping for. I knew you liked someone else. Why did I even tell you. For the rest of the week I was hopelessly waiting for a miracle. For you to say hi, or to talk to me, or to change your mind and tell you me you like me back. I kept waiting, for a long long time.
We stayed friends. You pretended that nothing happened. You never really said no, or yes, or anything, but even though that gave me hope, I knew you were too nice to openly reject me, so that was all I'd ever get. You kept teasing me about the guys I used to like and it hurt. It hurt so much.
I tried to get over it, but I couldn't. I drank, and tried to shut it out, I tried to forget. It never worked. I saw you, and I melted. I started seeing you less though. Nothing personal, we changed seats in math class and you didn't take the bus so much.
This one day, you actually rode the bus, and I sat right in front of you, just staring as you listened to music. I hated the fact that I liked you more and more as time passed, and couldn't take my eyes off you, so perfect all the time. We didn't talk at first, so I thought the entire bus ride would pass like that. And then you started talking. We talked about random thing related to school, and then you asked me about this incident I had with a couple of my friends. You asked me if I still drank. I said no, staying quiet about the fact that he was the reason why. You asked me if I was still leaving at the end of the year. I said no, I was staying till graduation. You lit up, and I grew happy too, seeing your smile again.
We stayed quiet for another couple of minutes, until, eventually, I couldn't stay quiet and asked you how you were doing with your crush. You paused, and suddenly said:
"Mary, you said you like me, right? Well, I was really surprised when you told me. You know, I used to like you, in the beginning of the year. For a while, and then you said you didn't like asian guys. Also, I didn't know that many people... and yeah, eventually I got over you. Right now, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship, so I don't know. Yeah..."
"Thank you for telling me." I said and turned away, not knowing what to think. This was very, very unexpected. Soon the bus came to my stop, so I left. You said goodbye, despite the pause, and I lit up. At home I told every single one of my friends about it, and all of them said one thing: you still like me, but you are scared to say it. I believed it, I wanted to believe it. I remembered your smiles, and the entire weekend I was anticipating next week. It was my birthday in a couple of days, and I knew you'd do something special. I was so happy. On Monday, you were staring at me, and talking about me to your friends, and I was blushing so hard, wanting to just run up to you and hug you. I knew everything would be okay.
On my birthday, we had a two-day school trip, and you were on my bus. Somehow, my friend and I sat right across from you, and I was waiting, waiting, knowing that something would happen. I was laughing so much, anticipating a new phase in my life. I knew my friends were right. You liked me before, you said that yourself, so that means you still like me. You thought about it, and you decided that you want to be with me, and you will tell me today....
My friends told me that they asked you to do something special, so when nothing happened during the schoolwork part of the trip, I thought that you were waiting for free time, to approach me alone. I couldn't wait, especially as you said hi and kept glancing at me. I knew that this would be the most amazing birthday ever.
Free time came, and yet nothing happened. I've seen you multiple times, but I wasn't giving up. That just means you'll do something after dinner. You'll take me to the side, and wish me happy birthday, and tell me that you like me, and ask me to be your girlfriend. Everything would be the way it should be. You must have a gift for me, since my friend asked you. I knew that would happen. I couldn't wait, and even as time passed, my hopes stayed up.
But dinner was over, and nothing happened. My friends arranged a surprise party for me, yet I couldn't feel happy. I glued a fake smile to my face and kept saying thanks and hugging people, yet inside me everything was dead. Eventually, I almost broke down crying. My friends knew why, and went up to him, asking him to say happy birthday to me. I didn't want to go, but another friend dragged me there. I saw him stand up and talk to my friends, and then he walked my way, and I knew that my birthday present was coming. I walked towards him, feeling that something was wrong. Suddenly, he turned around and just sat back on his seat. Everything died.
The rest of the trip was tears and me wishing that I never had a birthday, cursing the fact that I didn't like him in the beginning of the year. Everything was done. The worst birthday of my life. The week I had such high expectations for...
The next day I apologised for my friends, hoping that you'd apologise too and everything would be the way it was, yet you didn't even stop and just said "okay", walking away. When I came back home, I apologised again. You brushed me off with "okay" again. For the rest of the week we didn't talk.
We haven't talked since. Not a single normal conversation. I tried to chat with you on Facebook, yet you kept going offline, or ignoring my messages, and just avoiding me as much as you could. I didn't give up hope. I kept repeating that you need time, and that my friends were too pushy, and that this was all my fault, and it will still work out. When everybody else said you were a jerk, I kept defending you. You were the nicest guy I've ever met, you were my friend. You couldn't have done something like this without a reason. There must be an explanation.
It's been two months. I decided to apologise to you for making things awkward and for liking you, and you saw the message and never even took time to reply, on Facebook, or in real life. For the last two weeks I've been trying to get over you, and a horrible realisation took place: it won't work out. You turned into a jerk, at least to me. You promised that you won't do the same to me as one of the guys I told you about, yet what you did was so much worse. I know it's because I meant nothing to you, and I never will. Your words "when I didn't know that many people" just meant that I am not popular enough for you. You are ashamed of ever liking me, you are ashamed of talking to me and being my friend. You don't want to see me or talk to me ever again. I can't hate you. I still like you, and I hate the fact that I'm still so in love with you. I've been trying to ignore you yet I can't help but glance, hoping to maybe see you glancing back. But no, you never pay any attention. I'm nothing. I'm not good enough for you. Even if you did like me for a brief moment since my confession, you'd never be able to date me in the open. You're a cowardly jerk, yet I still melt whenever I think of your smile. I've always managed to get over people easily, yet you just don't get off my mind. Why? Why do I always get rejected? All I wanted was love, or at least to stay friends. Silly me, I'm never good enough. No guy would ever like me. I'm a horrible mess.
I wish I could die. I keep choking on my tears everyday when I think about you, and I keep pretending that I'm fine, when I'm really not. I died inside the day I turned 15 and saw you walk away. I don't know how long it will take until I can feel again. But sometimes, I hope that I never will. Love never brings any good to me anyways. I just hope that nobody else will feel this pain as much as I did. I hope to never fall in love again. Ever.
P.S. This was really hard to write, every word was a struggle. This isn't really fiction. This is my situation at the moment, and I'm sorry if this is a very bad story, I have no idea how I even managed to write it out. I'll stop now because I'm crying too much and can't think straight. Thank you for reading. All names were changed.
- Firescales
That was lovely.
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